Monday, October 13, 2014

Do You Feel Like a Burden?

I have counseled hundreds of patients with chronic pain and chronic illness. Most of them have said “I feel like a burden to my friends and family”. I too have felt that way at times. It’s a common feeling for those of us with chronic pain or a chronic illness. Chronic conditions affect not only the patient but those close to the patient as well. Even though we didn’t do anything to cause our condition, we feel like it’s our fault and that we are making the lives of those around us more miserable. So what can you do to feel like less of a burden to your friends and family? I hope the following suggestions will help.

Contribute what you can, when you can. You may not be able to do as much as you used to, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything you can do. You also may not be able to do things as quickly as you used to. But that’s okay too. Take inventory of the chores and activities you can do and help out in those ways. So you may not be able to wash the heavy pots anymore. But can you wash the small dishes or load some of the dishes in the dishwasher? You may not be able to mop the floors anymore, but can you wipe down some of the counters? You may not be able to fold the laundry, but can you load the washer? Anything that you can still do will be appreciated.

Keep the lines of communication open. We can’t expect the people in our life to read our minds. They may not know if you are in pain or are not feeling well. It’s important to communicate about the way you feel, not only physically but emotionally, so your loved ones and the other people in your life know how they can help you or if you even want the help or if you just to be left alone. Also, in addition to educating yourself about your illness or chronic pain, educate those in your life as well so they know what to expect and there are few surprises.

Make your spouse, significant other, friends, etc. the center of attention at times. Do something nice for the close people in your life once in a while to show them how much you appreciate them. It can be as simple as telling them how much you appreciate them or telling them to go out for the afternoon and enjoy themselves. Talk to them about what they are going through to see if there is anything you can do for them. It’s important for us, the patients, to remember that we aren’t the only ones affected by our illness and that our caregivers need attention too.

Maintain a positive attitude. This is particularly hard on the days you are experiencing a lot of pain or just feel horrible. And I’m not advocating that you hide your emotions or act like someone you are not, especially on days that are particularly hard. But maintaining a positive attitude as much as possible is not only good for your well-being but for the well-being of others around you. It can help you better cope with your pain or illness and it can help you avoid taking out your frustrations on the people around you who are only trying to help and care for you.

Focus on something other than your illness/pain. No one wants to hear about how terrible someone feels all the time and no one wants to talk about how terrible they feel all the time. I know I sound like I’m contradicting myself because I told you above to communicate with the people in your life about your illness/pain and how you feel, but there is a time and place for that and you don’t want it to consume you or them. When you are around your loved ones, try focusing the attention on something other than your illness or pain if you can. If you are asked by someone how you are doing and you don’t want to get into it you can simply say “I’m fine thanks”, and then redirect the conversation to something else. Even if you aren’t feeling well on that particular day, it is important for you to have things in your life to focus on other than your pain or illness. This will help distract you from your pain or illness, at least for the time being, and will bring a sense of normalcy to your life.

Is there anything else you have done which has helped you feel like less of a burden?

12 comments:

  1. i do agree with most of this, however i dont believe in lying about how i feel, i can still keep it short by saying im not brilliant, but how are you today, that instantly changes the converstion and makes them feel cared about too.

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  2. yeah Not really practical , you can see this person hasn't had a Chronic illness .things in theory are Very Different to that thing in Practice

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  3. I agree I don't think this person has had chronic illness either. I get tired of being told to keep a positive attitude----things could be worse.

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  4. Actually if you read the first paragraph and some of her other articles you'll see that she does have chronic illness. And I agree with this. While feeling like a burden may not completely go away I think these tips can help.

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  5. You find out anyways who has the depth to get it. Your true champions. Carry that weight, keep that mind strong, and hope for golden slumbers.

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  6. Thanks for taking the time to write this article. I totally agree! I feel guilty. Most of the time that my husband has to hear about my pain every day, but I can't help it. I have. Chronic tension headachs and migraines and herniated disc in my neck, RLS, and other problems, so I stay in pain, but I do what I can at home and work as much as I can.☺

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  7. There is not much I can do around the house anymore because of the fact that I am holding onto a walker all the time and cannot stand without that support. I do however try to help my husband/caretaker as much as I can by cleaning up after meals, most of which he fixes himself. I do most of the laundry even though it may have to sit in a basket for a day or so. I say all of this to say that I appreciate what you have to say. It makes us feel better to try to do even little things to be helpful and give a break to a caretaker, even if paid. I am on dialysis and very weak and tired all of the time besides the knees gone and a dizziness caused by antibiotics for blood infections that has taken all of my balance. Thank you for your article and many blessings for your day. Enjoy life.

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  8. I hope that this is helpful to the author.

    The holidays are coming and this article depressed, rather than uplifted me. I found that there were too many assumptions made about the capabilities of those of us with chronic illnesses, when even within the "community" of our particular illness, we are all quite different. It depressed me to be given a list of alternative ways in which to join in and help, when I can do none of them. I don't believe in lying about my wellbeing, but I'm not going to waste my energy responding to people who either don't care or couldn't comprehend. To those who do and can, care and comprehend, I often use mildly humorous sarcasm (aimed at my illness) to generally get the idea across (it's pretty much always the same) that it's rough, without going into details, and allowing us both space for a chuckle. There are times when I NEED to ventilate, and need to spout out a list the things that are troubling me more so than usual, or at times I need to ventilate when I have haven't had a break in weeks and months in a particularly difficult symptom.

    I too found the advice often to be unrealistic. I felt as though the author was talking down to me, offering me ideas of how to cope, offering information that I might have needed before I'd ever been ill, but certainly not helpful after any real amount of time spent ill.

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  9. I do work and try not to talk about it. Try to keep a positive attitude. But I don't believe I'll ever be loved or accepted if people know I'm sick husband is throwing me out at Christmas because I might be disabled in the future.

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  10. I LOVE this article! So refreshing to see an article that suggests positive ways to deal with chronic conditions!

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