Dealing with Fatigue, Frustration and Fear

As published on Pain News Network (www.painnewsnetwork.org) on August 6, 2015.

Sometimes it just gets to be too much; the pain, the fatigue, the frustration and the fear. 

Wondering if things are ever going to get better.

Wondering if there will ever be a day without pain.

I have always thought of myself as a stubborn and determined person.  When I was four years old I had to wear a cast on my right leg to help stabilize my arthritic ankle.  Even at four, I didn’t let that stop me from keeping up with my twin brother on the playground.

While I was in the middle of my j-pouch surgeries I was determined to finish my doctorate degree.  I finished my dissertation and two weeks after my second surgery, while in pain and out of it because of the pain meds, my mom drove me to L.A. so I could defend my dissertation and get that “doctor” title that I had worked so hard for.

Three months ago I hurt my right knee.  After two rounds of prednisone, physical therapy, rest (sort of) and X-rays, my rheumatologist still doesn’t know what’s wrong and I still have pain every day.  Since the injury, and against the wishes of my husband to stay home and rest, I have continued to go to the gym so I can at least get a kick ass arm workout.

Why have I done all of these things?  Because I’m stubborn.  And I’m determined.  I try my hardest not to let the pain stop me from doing the things I want to do.  I try to be as normal as possible, because I hate feeling like I can’t do something and I hate for others to think that I am weak, even though I know that I am not.  I also try to take advantage of each day as much as I can because I never know when or if I will be in the hospital again, when or if I will have to have another surgery, or if my arthritis will get worse.

But sometimes it just gets to be too much.  Dealing with pain every day is tiring!  And dealing with the fatigue that comes along with the pain is tiring!  In addition to that, the frustration and fear that things will never get better and that they could possibly get worse can be incredibly overwhelming.

So here is what I do when things get to be too much.  I hope some of these tips will help those of you reading this:

• I take a little time for myself, even if it’s just five minutes.  If I am at work, my favorite thing to do is close my office door, open YouTube on my computer and put on some yoga music.  Then I sit back, close my eyes and take deep breaths.  This does amazing things for my mind and my body.
• I try to remember what is good and positive in my life: my son, my husband, my family, my friends.  While I still have pain, there is still so much I can do.  It helps to focus on what I can do instead of what I can’t do.
• Get outside.  I love the beach.  It does something for me that no other place can.  But I can’t always get there, especially with family and work demands.  If I can, that’s my preference, but if I can’t, even just sitting in my backyard can do the trick.  Fresh air and vitamin D are proven mood elevators.
• I write.  Writing about the pain, the frustration and the fears can be very therapeutic.  Have you ever wanted to vent so badly about the way you are feeling but don’t want to bother anyone with it?  Writing down exactly what you would say to someone else is a great alternative.
• I focus on a goal and plan on how I am going to reach it.  This helps me to focus on something other than my pain and fears.  It can be a big goal (passing my final licensing exam) or a small one  (doing as much as I can this weekend with my son despite my knee pain).
• Sometimes I just have to take a rest and realize that it is okay.  This is really hard for me to do but sometimes it is necessary.  Those of us with chronic pain can’t be expected to do everything and we can’t expect ourselves to do everything. 

Balance in life is key and part of that is taking care of ourselves and letting go of the guilt that comes along with it.

When Nobody Believes You

As published on Pain News Network (www.painnewsnetwork.org) on April 30, 2015


“It’s all in your head.”

“Your doctors are wrong.”

“You don’t really feel as bad as you say you do.”

“You must not really be in that much pain because you look fine.”

These words are far too common in the ears of chronic pain patients.  They can make one feel isolated, alone, and as if nobody cares.

One of my patients told me the other day, “My husband doesn’t believe I’m in as much pain as I say I am.  He thinks it’s all psychological.”

A week earlier, a friend told me, “No matter how many doctors and specialists I have been to, my family still does not believe my diagnosis.  They think it is wrong.  I feel like I have to hide my pain around them.”

I listen to story after story from patients and friends with chronic pain stating the same thing: that family members, friends, doctors, co-workers, teachers, etc. do not believe they are in as much pain as they say they are. Often it’s because they look fine on the outside.
 

 

They have told me they feel like they are whining about their pain, that people just brush them off or that they feel guilty for even talking about their pain. 

They ask me, “What’s the point? I feel like nobody believes me anyway.”

No matter how many times I hear these stories, it still angers me.  Chronic pain is not something that anyone should feel like they have to convince another person of.  It is not something to feel guilty about and it is not something anyone should feel like they have to hide -- especially from those closest to them.

Unlike having diabetes, cancer or a broken arm, most people do not understand chronic pain and the effects it has. And many who think they understand are misinformed.

What they often don't understand is that chronic pain sufferers don’t always look sick.  Because their pain is chronic, they have learned to go on and live their daily lives to the best of their ability.  Just because you can’t physically see someone’s pain, that doesn’t mean it is all in their head and it doesn’t mean they are fine.

And being told that their doctor must be wrong or that they should hide their pain only makes things worse.

When someone is diagnosed with chronic pain, they want more than anything for that diagnosis to be wrong.  However, more times than not, the diagnosis they receive, especially if they have been to multiple doctors, is correct.  After the shock and denial has worn off, that patient, more than anything, is going to need support and acceptance, not criticism and disbelief.

Being diagnosed with a chronic condition is life changing, even for the strongest individuals.  It means finding a new normal, contending with things that are unimaginable and going through life feeling like those closest to you will never understand.

It means trying to make sense of this new person they have been forced to become and the new reality they are now living.  All of these things could be managed just a little easier by hearing the simple words, “I believe you.”

Accepting Chronic Pain: Is it Necessary?

As published on Pain News Network (www.painnewsnetwork.org) on March 25, 2015

A patient of mine told me the other day, “I don’t think I will ever be able to accept my chronic pain. It has completely changed my life.” 

I think this is something that most people with chronic pain contend with at some point in time; wanting to hold onto hope that their diagnosis isn’t chronic or not wanting to come to the realization that they will have to live with the pain forever.

When most people hear the word “acceptance” they equate it with the notion that they should feel that it’s okay or it’s alright to have a chronic condition.  Many people don’t ever feel okay about having to live with pain or an illness for the rest of their lives. It is not something that is easy to get used to and it’s not fair.

• Accepting chronic pain does not mean giving into it and it doesn’t mean that you stop looking for treatment.
• Accepting chronic pain does not mean accepting a lifetime of suffering.
• Accepting chronic pain does not mean you are never allowed to feel angry or sad.
• Accepting chronic pain does not mean that you have to give up hope for the future.

When I use the word “acceptance,” I mean accepting the reality of your situation and recognizing that this new reality could be permanent. Those of us with chronic conditions may never like this reality and it may never be okay, but eventually it is necessary to accept it and learn to live life with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. 

Acceptance also involves making adaptations and alterations to our lives.  We must find new things that bring us joy and we must have hope for the future.

• Accepting chronic pain means learning to live again.
• Accepting chronic pain means advocating for ourselves and our health so that we can be as healthy as possible.
• Accepting chronic pain means learning our limits and learning to cope with feelings of guilt when we have to say “no.”
• Accepting chronic pain means being able to look at your diagnosis as something you have, not who you are.  Your condition does not define you.
• Accepting chronic pain means re-evaluating your role as a husband/wife, mother/father, etc. as well as your life’s goals -- and figuring out how you can maintain these roles and attain your goals with your chronic condition.

For many of us, learning to accept our chronic condition isn’t easy.  It is a learning process with a lot of ups and downs.  It is something we may resist and something we may think impossible.  It is difficult to accept something that has completely changed our lives and possibly the direction we thought our life was going to take.

Why is it necessary to accept your chronic condition?

Once you are diagnosed with a chronic condition, it will be always be with you.  The sooner you are able to begin the process of acceptance, the sooner you will be able to learn exactly how to live with it.  It is also how you will learn to cope.

Accepting chronic pain means learning to live life in a different way than before your diagnosis.  It means learning to pace your activities, educating yourself, taking your medications, advocating for yourself, and surrounding yourself with support.  It also means accepting that some aspects of your condition are out of your control. 

Chronic pain can be unpredictable.  There may be days when you feel in control of your pain and you are able to accomplish everything you would like to.  There may also be days when your pain is unbearable, you feel angry about your situation, and all you can do is rest.  Accepting your chronic pain means adjusting and adapting to the ways in which your life is different now that you may be living with this kind of unpredictability.

Your life may never go back to what it was prior to your chronic pain.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t live a happy, successful, hopeful life with pain.  Learning to accept your chronic pain can help you get there.