Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The Big 3-0
Tomorrow’s my birthday…the big 3-0 and I can’t help being depressed about it. I know it probably sounds silly to most of you because 30 is still young, but it’s just one of those feelings I can’t help. All of my friends and family pretty much think I’m being ridiculous. I’ve been told “Just be happy you’re alive”, “It’s just a number”, “At least you still look young”, blah, blah, but here’s the thing…I hardly ever get angry or pity myself about what I have been through with my IBD and my four surgeries. I’ve tried to make the best of it and think I’ve done a pretty good job at it. Sure while I was going through my surgeries, particularly surgeries number 1 and 2, there were times I felt depressed and thought that what I was going through was completely unfair. But other than that I think I’ve been pretty good. During the literally hundreds of blood tests, I never complained. When I had to go back to the hospital after my takedown, have two blood transfusions and spend 4 days in ICU because I was severely anemic, I didn’t complain. When I had to have my fourth surgery because my J-pouch twisted, I took it in stride. So the reason I’m so unhappy about turning 30 is because I feel like ulcerative colitis stole almost 3 years of my life. During those 3 years I had thought I was going to build my career and have a baby. Now because of UC, I’m farther behind in my career than I had wanted to be and I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to ever have kids. I realize that life doesn’t always happen the way we plan it. But aren’t I allowed to be angry for at least a couple days? So to everyone who has had to listen to me complain about turning 30, it’s not because of the number, it’s because I feel like a few years of my life have been stolen and I’m just a little bit pissed off about it. I’ll be fine by the weekend :-)
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Your points are very valid. I'm 29 this year and I feel the same way that you do. It's not the number, it's what we've had to go through and the time we'll never get back. I'm still recovering my surgery, i'm hoping i'll be all done by the time i'm 30. I'm not where i would like to be with my career either. Almost lost my job in fact due to tmy Crohn's and the surgery, etc. I'm still hoping it'll be there when i'm recovered and ready to return to work. I wanted to have a baby this year or early next. I'm supposed to get married in July, not happening now because my second surgery will be around that time. It really does screw with life. I'm depressed about it too. I don't let it control my life, but I do have my moments. Which we're allowed to have. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I know they're just trying to cheer us up and they're telling us what they think we want to hear when in acutality we just want them to listen. Like you said, we all just need to vent. We're here to listen to you anytime! <3
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate. I went to school for a very, very long time in hopes of doing what I love & UC is the reason I'm not pursuing that dream anymore. Felt like my life was on pause for awhile there. it isn't on pause anymore, but there's still that cloud... happy belated birthday to you!
ReplyDeleteNot sure my history will provide any insight or relief. My UC did not appear until I was turning 50 after I quit smoking. I'm now 11+ years with my J-Pouch and life is pretty good.
ReplyDeleteSo, when I had my 30th birthday it was a LONG time before any GI travails. But, I consider 30 to have been my toughest milestone. For many reasons I guess I thought of 30 as being the beginning of being a real adult. I'd been married since I was 20 and had a two year old son, but I guess, down deep, I still preferred to see myself as a non-adult. 30 was just depressing.
So, I guess what I might be trying to say is that turning 30 might have been a problem for you even if you'd never had the Crohns. I can tell you that, for me, the BIG 4-O was a piece of cake. Now, I'm 61 and wondering if I might be lucky enough to see 70 -- I've already out-lived my father by 5 years!
One of the ladies in the J-Pouch Group has this as her signature: "It could be worse...oh, wait..it already has been! then I guess it can only get better from here.... "